Past in Present

If you know me, you know the past tends to haunt me. There are some things I've done that I will forever be ashamed of and never get over. And then there are some people and events that I will always remember and never forgive. I can live without having it in the front of my mind, but if I am to revisit those times, all the feelings rush back and I get upset immediately.

There are just some names I cannot hear without my stomach turning and tears threatening to show. I am figuring out that this happens because I put on a happy front no matter what so my feelings don't negatively impact others. I never want how I feel to change people, although I subconsciously expect those people to take my hidden feelings into account on their own. Bottling all up has led to a slow, steady, long leak that will take a lot longer to get over than if I had just confronted the issue to begin with. I feel like I'm suffering and holding more back/against people in the long run by putting their feelings before mine. If I had kicked and screamed and cried in the beginning, would I feel like this now? Even though I've come clean about some feelings, the fact that I hid them in the beginning is preventing me from even getting them all out in one go now. Sure, I can go around and say straight to faces that it's no big deal and doesn't affect me anymore, but that is never the truth. I would feel even worse now if they found out the real deal. I can't stand the possible disappointment and annoyance they'll feel by knowing I still hold those grudges and will never be able to forgive.

All that being said, I'm trying especially hard now to consciously let some things go. It's not working completely, but I did finally confront a piece of the past this weekend. It was tough and I wanted to run away the whole time, but it also made me realize how foolish I am for holding things in and hurting myself. Although I will probably never get over the things I am currently dealing with, I'm working harder to make sure I don't add any more dirty laundry to the pile. Metaphorically speaking, I'm using the Tide To Go pen right away instead of letting the stain sit in the hamper for a while. Only I can come up with an analogy like that.