Major Baking Fail: Blondies

I tried to make some brownies (post coming next) and blondies for a friend's dinner party since it would be with a bunch of people I didn't know; I always bring food to make a good impression. I wanted to make them easy to share so I made them in cupcake tins; I also didn't have any square brownie pans to make them in. I found a decent recipe for blondies & decided to add butterscotch chips for an extra zip. I remember adding the baking powder & baking soda and thinking it was way too much for the recipe, but I didn't do anything about it. I noticed them rising way too much in the oven and panicked, but there was nothing I could do at that point. They came out of the oven and immediately fell into little hard rocks of failure. I will have to find a better recipe and try again. Never give up!

Do Not Shop At Karmaloop.com

I ordered those lovely boots I posted about earlier from Karmaloop.com in December. I received a package right before my vacation to Florida containing the completely wrong items: a men's hoodie and t-shirt. I didn't have time to return it, so I had to do it when I came back. I paid $8 for shipping the package back with the promise they would reimburse me if I emailed them the receipt. I did so 2+ weeks ago and still haven't gotten that money back. I bugged and bugged them about receiving my package and sending me the right thing back and was assured they would process the return in FIFTEEN DAYS. Today I received an email saying the item I originally ordered is now out of stock so they're refunding my money. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? I wish their customer service actually picked up the phone so I could bitch at them for a long, long, long time.

Drained

I've been up since 6:30 and I'm just now about to go to bed at 11:30. I have not stopped doing things that I am required to do (physical therapy, classes, work, homework) since I woke up. Exhaustion doesn't even come close to describing this. I am completely overwhelmed.

And I'll be up at 7:30 to start it all over again.

...and this is what I come home to.

Personal Letter of Hate

Dear douchebag taking pictures of me on the beach with your cellphone without asking me,

You are the scum of the earth. Not only are you disgusting for staring at me during my entire four hours at the beach, you documented it. You did it in front of my grandparents. They're the ones who noticed and informed me, making me feel completely humiliated. I should not feel self-conscious at the beach or have to worry about my privacy being invated while on vacation. There is nothing I would have liked more than taking your phone and throwing it into the ocean. I was so humiliated that I couldn't even bear to approach you after I found out about it. You ruined my day.

I hope karma pays you a nasty call.

Sincerely,

Yvonne

Too Good To Be True

I was supposed to get those sweet boots from Karmaloop.com, right? Well I got my package last night. It wasn't a box but one of those loose things and the stuff inside didn't feel like boots. I opened it up at inside was a fugly men's hoodie and fuglier men's tee. I am leaving tomorrow morning, I don't have time to fix this and I want my boots!!!!

That's what I get for taking advantage of a 50% off coupon. What I save in money is spent in time.

So lost. I wish I had a way to predict the outcomes of my actions.

Once again I feel so lonely in this world.

Guys Are Dumb

I have gone out to eat and hung out with some guy friends multiple times lately. I get along best with guys, so it's been fun. However, guys these days don't seem to understand that if you don't ask a girl out specifically on a date, it's not a date. If you say, "Hey, let's go to this great restaurant!" that's not a date. If you say, "We need to hang out soon," that's not a date. Anything that is not along the lines of, "I'd love to take you out to this great place," or "Would you like to go on a date with me to _____," is not grounds to make a hangout a date.

Communication is such an issue in the world these days. It seems like many guys are just too pussy to risk confrontation and rejection by fully putting themselves out there. Instead, they're vague and don't actually express their true intentions, leaving them high and dry when they realize they forget to let the girl know how they feel from the start. I have so much more respect for guys who come up to me and ask me out straight up than those who act like a friend until they don't let you pay for your own meal. Even if I shoot a guy down, I'm going to let him know that I thought it took real courage to come out and ask like that so he's not afraid to try again.

I am taking a break from all guys, even if they're just friends, to be by myself and get away from any possible bullshit semi-dramatic situation. The lack of drama is why I like hanging out with guys more than girls and get along with them better, but that really isn't working out for me right now.

So Annoyed!

Anyone else hate how Megavideo now limits you to 72 minutes of video a day? I share internet with my roomies and so I haven't even watched 72 minutes today, but I have to wait 53 more minutes to watch the rest of the Dexter season finale. I had to do this yesterday, too.


I'm supposed to be going home for the night but my family's not answering. I'll probably accidentally fall asleep here for the rest of the night and be fucked when I wake up and realize I missed physical therapy.

Life life life. I just want to fast forward through this useless month. There won't be enough distractions around to keep reality from rearing its head.

Running Around

Yesterday:
- Chiropractor
- French listening final
- Find birthday card for Dad/deposit paychecks
- Physical Therapy in Eden Prairie (skipped 3rd world lit)
- Mentorship meeting
- Bus to Edina for Dad's birthday celebration at Fuddruckers
- Home for cake & presents
- Target for necessities

I wasn't home between 9 am and 9 pm.

Tomorrow:
- Stats final 8-10 am
- Accounting final 10:30-12:30
- Leave final asap to catch 12:18 bus to Eden Prairie
- Physical Therapy
- Bus home
- Massage

Won't be home between 7:30 am and 7 pm. Ugh.

Can't wait to take a break for a couple of days. It's off to Chicago at the end of next week for 3 1/2 days. Then I'm going to try to go back to Gopher Grocery to work over break! Hopefully my back doesn't mess up my plans; I can't stand laying around for 30 days until spring semester starts.

University Of Manchester?

Looking at testimonials from people in study abroad programs through Carlson tonight, I really started to freak out. Put that on top of the fact I can't get many credits from studying in Belgium or Bordeaux, France, and I became terrified. Leaving everyone behind for a program and culture that's so completely different from my own would really stretch my limits. I was contemplating not going.

Despite my desire to study abroad in the French language, I think I am going to check out the Manchester Business School. The students who left testimonials online for me to read really,really liked it. I might like it, too! They have so many classes that look like they could transfer to my major courses. My good friend from Kentucky is currently studying in England, so I know I can lean on her for tips & support. I was really looking forward to immersing myself completely in a different world with a different language, but my reluctance to deal well with changes around me will probably make me a better fit for a university in England. I did look at Scottish and Welsh universities, but none have the business strength I need. I am getting more and more excited about this opportunity as I write about it. I also feel like a bit of a traitor, too. I have been so excited to talk to people about studying in Belgium, and before that Bordeaux, and now I will be talking about England. I'm not fickle, but adapting to the changes I am presented. I thought Bordeaux would work out, and then I thought Belgium would work out.

Yes, I do get swept up in grand ideas without sometimes following through - a doggie day fundraiser for the Eau Claire Humane Society, buying only organic clothes (which I would do if I had money from working at Gopher Grocery instead of having to go on hiatus for the semester), etc. But studying abroad has really been a main goal for me since before I can remember. Traveling burns a fire in my heart, and the curriculum of many European universities will allow me to do that, if I save like mad over winter break and the summer.

I am terrified of coming back a completely different person that no one will love like they did before. I don't want to alienate the people who are the most important to me. And I don't want those people to change and move on while I'm gone! That is my biggest fear. What will I do without the rocks I have come to depend on every day? What will I do when I can't go home to snuggle with my mom after a difficult week? I will have to change and grow and hope it's in a way that will bring me closer to everyone.

Savings?

My mom gave me some of my treasury bonds that my grandparents have been giving me since I was 3 years old. Now, these things used to mature in 7 years. None of my bonds will be mature until 2025 or later. 2025, and I was given them in the mid-90's. I'm going to cash them at their current value just because 17 years is too long to get $8 more out of each. I also thought about putting some money in a CD, but even those interest rates aren't worth locking up a grand for a year. My savings account isn't there to gain interest; it's there to make a physical barrier between cash I should spend and cash I shouldn't.

No wonder no one in the country saves money. It's not worth it! There's no reward for not spending anymore since interest rates are so paltry. Maybe if that was fixed, the entire world wouldn't be entering a recession.

Sequence Commencing: Hibernation Mode

Don't go outside, better stay in bed.

:(

I've been cheating a little bit on the diet restrictions these past 2 days, and now I'm paying dearly. Some Special K bars (Can you blame me??), sesame chicken at Kinhdo, m&ms, and a giant bowl of peach froyo today. I've just been the opposite of stressed this weekend because I didn't have to work and there was no drama in my life. And I did all my homework! I'll be sipping Maalox through a straw the rest of the night. Ugh. I just want to enjoy a slice of mac n' cheese peetz!!!!

I Think I've Given In

It's time to take a break from working and get a student loan. It will be really small, thank goodness, but I just can't handle all the stress & I don't want to be the person at work my bosses can't depend on.

Day 5 of the No Wheat, Dairy, Soy Diet

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. I am in tears half the time because I'm starving and the other half of the time I'm in tears because I want a cookie or some pasta or a meal bar that contains soy. I have next to no edible food left in my cupboard. I gave away all my bread, pasta, fig newtons, pasta sides, mashed potatoes, etc. Last night I resorted to eating a can of tuna with spicy mustard mixed in. It was fine & everything, but I needed a whole MEAL!

This is just so hard because food is my life. I love trying new things and creating new things and baking and cooking. The only restaurant I can eat at anymore is Chipotle, and then I can't even have cheese or sour cream in my bol. It's hard to bring lunch to class because I'd have to find a microwave for whatever rice dish I want to make. It's hard to find stuff to buy for lunch because it's just all sandwiches and salads with cheese and crackers and soy-based protein bars. I am going to have to invest heavily in nuts, dried fruits, & rice noodles tonight when I go to Trader Joe's with my mom. Hopefully they'll have some rice, oat, & tapioca flour waiting for me.

I bought a Larabar for $2 today. It was just dried cherries, dates, almonds, & cashews. It was pretty good, but not filling in the least. It made me think about the raw food diet, which I did a project on my senior year. It's very interesting, but kind of hard and expensive to do. It's difficult to get enough protein when you don't have a sprouting pan or dehydrator. Aaron saw the future and bought me a raw food "cook"book for my birthday last year, so I'm going to flip through those recipes to get some ideas for what else I should buy for groceries.

I'm meeting with the nutritionist again tomorrow to get help figuring out how to eat well with so many restrictions.

Eeeeeep

My computer is being eaten by a virus!! It's receded for now but I had to uninstall & reinstall Firefox. My 3 virus scanners can't detect the final part of it :(

In other news, this debate tonight is a zzz fest.

Foolish

Why didn't I jump on Kings of Leon tix right away??? Balcony seats for their show at the Orpheum are going for $150 FOR A PAIR! Hunter offered to buy tickets if I could find them but uhhhh heck naw. Kings of Leon fans aren't that rich.

Spent 3 hours in Urgent Care last night only to find out that "nothing" is wrong with my stomach. I'm falling apart at the seamsssssssssssssssss.

Strong Ties

I've never realized how my mood affects the music I listen to until now.

When I was a junior & senior in high school, I was having the time of my life going to shows and writing about music and staying out late on the weekends and shopping with my friends. I was into artists like The Shins and The Strokes then, but didn't listen to them nearly as much as The Semester or The Academy Is... or Cartel. I used music to get me pumped up about the weekend or getting dressed for school. I didn't listen to Brand New's Deja Entendu very much because it was so dark, but Your Favorite Weapon was always in rotation. I was happy so the music I played was happy. I always had a hard time explaining to others why pop rock was my genre of choice, but reflecting I can see more of a connection to how I felt about life.

My parents weren't on the rocks, I had a nice job so I always had money, I was getting good grades with ease, I had a car, I was part of a solid group of friends, etc. Basically, nothing bad had ever happened in my life to that point. Everything always worked out how I needed it to. I was always afraid of impending doom in the back of my head because I knew it would come at some point, whether it being someone close to me dying or my parents struggling financially. I was thankful for what I had, but I didn't think I took it for granted.

I had definitely taken my good fortune up to that point for granted. My first weekend of college, my mom left and my parents put our house up for sale. I had to learn to juggle homework assignments and exams that would creep up in my schedule. I worked at a job I didn't like for the first time. I really started struggling to find my place because my high school friends were changing and I couldn't find many people that shared my beliefs to bond with. I fell out of contact with a lot of people close to me. I couldn't accept that the person I loved was wounding me more than I deserved and dragging me through the mud. I had eating issues. Basically, all this stress piled up at once and threatened to crush me. I am a pessimist instead of the eternal optimist I once was. I used to be the one my friends would go to for advice, but now I seek advice from a professional on a weekly basis. I feel like all these dark things flooding my life at once left little room for the light to shine through. I matured so fast that I couldn't learn to integrate all these new feelings into the way I was living.

With all these difficult changes came a shift in musical tastes. I started identifying with artists who sing with soul instead of Autotune. I began to prefer sad melodies to the pop punk standard formula. Lyrics about abstract thoughts resonated more with me than those of unrequited love for a girl who doesn't appreciate the vocalist anyway.

I was feelin' the sunny times again a couple of times this past year. I started listening to the upbeat "indie" stuff like Tokyo Police Club and Vampire weekend. I even kept some of my pop rock roots by keeping The Maine on repeat and poppin' champagne with All Time Low. I went to Sing It Loud shows.

Now that I'm back at the bottom of the cycle, I find myself listening to more somber stuff like the new Stills, new Kings of Leon, Fleet Foxes, Portugal. The Man, and Secret Machines. A lot of emotion in those songs, but they're not very lighthearted or sunny. Definitely all music that is best listened to alone.Even when I did put on The Maine yesterday to try and change my mood, I didn't find myself getting very into it besides the slower songs in the middle of the album. I don't think to put on The Format or Hot Hot Heat, but go right to Owen and City and Colour.

If my mood does turn around again, where will my tastes be situated on the musical spectrum?