Drowning

I got a book about anxiety & have specific ways I've learned to deal with it, but it's been consuming my life more & more lately. I can't escape it when it hits; it can swallow me whole for an hour or more sometimes.

I also feel like I've lost a lot of vibrancy overall. Even Aaron said I looked like a wilted flower for the first few hours I was helping him move in. Maybe I'm just unhappy doing what I'm doing and not realizing it. I have fun at work, but when I leave I don't smile and I'm not interested in doing anything but working out and sleeping. I'll read a little bit but it's hard to hold my concentration. Once again I feel like I'm floating over my life as it's happening, but it's not a positive or placeholding experience anymore.

I have bursts of brightness. Helping Aaron get everything settled was nice. I liked organizing his kitchen, grocery shopping, and hanging up his clothes. I also perked up when I found the community education pamphlet. I want to do a yoga class and a cooking class, maybe multiples of each. But assembling furniture, cooking without any utensils, hanging stuff up and deciding on a floorplan were too much for me even. I like doing those things, but there were so many obstacles and handicaps (room layout, no level or hammer or measuring cup) that I didn't know how to cope. Maybe the anxiety comes from being in a pipe looking to my next day off for 6 days of the week that getting out of it is a real struggle for me. It's really hard for me to break out of a routine or think out of my fully functional box.

I don't know what to do, I guess. I have a little over a week until school starts so I'm just hoping that will break me out of my drainpipe. Until then, I'll have to make due in zombie mode. I can't handle thinking or having strong feelings or emotions right now.