Hermit Life Report

As much as riding my bike, baking, reading, and being outside have made me happy lately, it's been fleeting. As soon as I'm done with whatever activity I've been engaging in I feel just as empty, lonely, and dispassionate as before. I realized yesterday that right now I'm not capable of filling my own heart. I have a feeling it's going to take more than a summer to figure out how & do it.

I have a strong urge to run away or change everything in my life drastically. I want to go to Chicago and stay with Lynette until I truly enjoy being around myself. I want to paint my room all white. I want to go on a roadtrip down South for a week or two. I just want to figure out what will fill this hollow body and do it as quickly as possible.

It's only been a couple of days like this, but I always want change to happen as quickly as possible. I can't stand watching the minutes and hours and days drag on. Right now I sleep as late as possible, exhaust myself as much as possible, and try to go to bed as early as I can stand just so the days go more quickly and I don't spend a lot of time sitting and thinking. I want to get over this mountain and get on with my life. I've learned such impatience through our culture, where web pages load in less than a second and the answer to any question I have is in front of me immediately. So many inventions have made basic tasks even easier and quicker to do: instant pancake & cake mixes, multi-gear bikes, automatic cars, the list goes on. I want the difficult times to be behind me. I think I've had the hardest year of my life and it's time for this upcoming, more positive year to start.

It's really hard for me to write this, because it's really hard for me to admit that I've failed at doing something myself. Hopefully writing this down will be the catalyst for really pushing for change & filling the emptiness.