Breakfast is the best meal of the day, hands down. Sure, it's 12:45 right now and I just got done eating it, but it doesn't matter when you eat breakfast; it's perfect for any meal. I had 6 pancakes, 4 slices of turkey bacon, 1/4 a cantaloupe, and a glass of orange juice. Mmm, mmm.
Breakfast is just so versatile!! Eggs can be scrambled, poached, fried, sunny side up, boiled, omelettes, benedict. There's bacon and sausage patties & links. Pancakes, waffles, french toast, hashbrowns, oatmeal, cereal, toast, english muffins, biscuits, muffins, cinnamon rolls. Berries, melon, bananas. Smoothies, coffee, fruit juice, milk. Do you see what I mean???
It's the most important meal of the day; all the more reason for you to give it a little extra attention from now on!
Monday, June 30, 2008
WEAR SUNSCREEN
From the Houston Chronicle:
By JOY SEWING
After the many warnings about the dangers of the sun's ultraviolet rays, some people still aren't getting the message.
While sunscreen can help reverse sun damage and prevent skin cancer, Yarosh says most people don't apply enough to adequately shield their skin from the sun's dangerous rays.
"People put on so little they only get half of the benefits of SPF. So when they use an SPF 60, they are actually only getting the benefits of SPF 30," he said. "They should put on twice as much as they are used to using."
A 5-ounce tube of sunscreen, for example, should be used in a weekend outdoors.
And protective clothing is just as crucial as sunscreen, Yarosh says. "We have to change our behavior and not put all of our eggs in the same basket by using just sunscreen."
Wide-brim hats, long-sleeve shirts, pants and sunglasses offer added protection. Also, many designers and clothing companies are introducing clothing with SPF.
"It's simply not worth the irreversible risks tanning poses to your health," Marks Papock said.
Experts say tanning beds can do the most damage.
According to the dermatology academy, tanning beds increase the risk of skin cancer because the lamps emit UVA and UVB radiation at levels often stronger than the sun and at closer distances. Also, many tanning salons are not regulated.
The reality is there is no safe way to tan, Yarosh said.
There are plenty of alternatives such as bronzers and self-tanners, as well as a host of other skin-care products with SPF, to give you a healthy glow.
Some people may be relieved to know the "supertanned" look is out, says Marie Claire beauty director Ying Chu. She suggests using a tinted moisturizer for a subtle glow.
"Everyone is playing up natural skin tone for summer," she said."It's a nice turning point for beauty."
SUNSCREEN 101
• Choose a product that provides broad-spectrum coverage against both UVA and UVB rays.
• Mexoryl SX is one of the best sunscreen ingredients.
• Apply sunscreen to dry skin 15-30 minutes before going outdoors.
• Be generous. Most people apply only 25 percent to 50 percent of the recommended amount.
• Reapply every two hours, even if the sunscreen is water-resistant.
Wearing sunscreen every day helps prevent wrinkles later in life so you don't have to spend all that dough on expensive anti-aging creams. I am so glad I was born with ivory skin because it's forced me to always wear a lot of high-SPF sunscreen. I can't wait till I'm 50 and I have half the wrinkles of my friends. It's worth all the Casper jokes!
By JOY SEWING
After the many warnings about the dangers of the sun's ultraviolet rays, some people still aren't getting the message.
While sunscreen can help reverse sun damage and prevent skin cancer, Yarosh says most people don't apply enough to adequately shield their skin from the sun's dangerous rays.
"People put on so little they only get half of the benefits of SPF. So when they use an SPF 60, they are actually only getting the benefits of SPF 30," he said. "They should put on twice as much as they are used to using."
A 5-ounce tube of sunscreen, for example, should be used in a weekend outdoors.
And protective clothing is just as crucial as sunscreen, Yarosh says. "We have to change our behavior and not put all of our eggs in the same basket by using just sunscreen."
Wide-brim hats, long-sleeve shirts, pants and sunglasses offer added protection. Also, many designers and clothing companies are introducing clothing with SPF.
"It's simply not worth the irreversible risks tanning poses to your health," Marks Papock said.
Experts say tanning beds can do the most damage.
According to the dermatology academy, tanning beds increase the risk of skin cancer because the lamps emit UVA and UVB radiation at levels often stronger than the sun and at closer distances. Also, many tanning salons are not regulated.
The reality is there is no safe way to tan, Yarosh said.
There are plenty of alternatives such as bronzers and self-tanners, as well as a host of other skin-care products with SPF, to give you a healthy glow.
Some people may be relieved to know the "supertanned" look is out, says Marie Claire beauty director Ying Chu. She suggests using a tinted moisturizer for a subtle glow.
"Everyone is playing up natural skin tone for summer," she said."It's a nice turning point for beauty."
SUNSCREEN 101
• Choose a product that provides broad-spectrum coverage against both UVA and UVB rays.
• Mexoryl SX is one of the best sunscreen ingredients.
• Apply sunscreen to dry skin 15-30 minutes before going outdoors.
• Be generous. Most people apply only 25 percent to 50 percent of the recommended amount.
• Reapply every two hours, even if the sunscreen is water-resistant.
Wearing sunscreen every day helps prevent wrinkles later in life so you don't have to spend all that dough on expensive anti-aging creams. I am so glad I was born with ivory skin because it's forced me to always wear a lot of high-SPF sunscreen. I can't wait till I'm 50 and I have half the wrinkles of my friends. It's worth all the Casper jokes!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Minus The Bear
I love every album, every song. I don't know why I haven't been listening to them as much lately, but all the way to work and all the way back I fell in love again (as I do every time I listen to them). Looking at their Myspace, it kills/excites me that they are bffs with Portugal. The Man now that they went on tour together. I was so bummed that tour didn't come anywhere near hear (if you don't count the Madison show where P.TM didn't even show up). My two favorite bands. Same venue at the same time. Pout pout pout pout pout. Maybe I will get a MTB tat to match... jk.
I love their old song titles. Megan and I used to have conversations with them, hahaha. "Hey, is that a ninja up there?" "Lemurs, man, lemurs." "Houston, we have uh oh." "I'm totally not down with Rob's alien." "Damn bugs whacked him, Johnny."
Three Favorite Songs:
3. Pachuca Sunrise: This was the first song of theirs I ever heard, via the video on Fuse TV :)
2. Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse: absintheparty is my Zune screenname... I am great. This song is one of the reasons I became somewhat obsessed with learning the history of absinthe. I want to start a collection of absinthe spoons but I don't really know where to start.
1. When We Escape: I am putty in your hands when this song is playing, fyi.
Excuse me, I'm just wired from taking a 2 1/2 hour nap today, eating 2 brownies, and a bowl of ice cream with fudge-dipped cookies. And I don't have to work in the morning!!
I love their old song titles. Megan and I used to have conversations with them, hahaha. "Hey, is that a ninja up there?" "Lemurs, man, lemurs." "Houston, we have uh oh." "I'm totally not down with Rob's alien." "Damn bugs whacked him, Johnny."
Three Favorite Songs:
3. Pachuca Sunrise: This was the first song of theirs I ever heard, via the video on Fuse TV :)
2. Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse: absintheparty is my Zune screenname... I am great. This song is one of the reasons I became somewhat obsessed with learning the history of absinthe. I want to start a collection of absinthe spoons but I don't really know where to start.
1. When We Escape: I am putty in your hands when this song is playing, fyi.
Excuse me, I'm just wired from taking a 2 1/2 hour nap today, eating 2 brownies, and a bowl of ice cream with fudge-dipped cookies. And I don't have to work in the morning!!
Inked
I want almost exactly this tattoo in the center of her chest:
I just love the placement; another tattoo that is easily hidden but can also be shown to the whole wide world. She has basically the locket shape & style that I have wanted. I'd rather have some leaves that are similar to those on my side piece peeking out behind it on the left and right, though. I want all the tattoos I get (ob-v not a lot) to complement each other.
I've also thought about getting a chest piece. There's about a 97% chance I would never do such a thing, but I think really classic ones are nice on girls. The thing is, though, are they nice on old ladies? No. I think I'd have it centered around a pocket watch, with banners that I might just leave blank. Who knows. The planning is in the earliest stages and will most likely never get past that.
I've also thought about getting a small piece on my other hip, like a single calla lily or iris with some leaves (again mirroring those on my side piece) or a little woodland creature (a bird or owl, not a cartoon bunny!!).
Basically, I love tattoos. I'd love to cover my body in them. Who knows, maybe I will have a little independent bakery my whole life and not worry about how I look to the corporate crowd. However, I am so traditional in many senses that a heavily tattooed body doesn't really go with that. I don't want my child's friends' parents seeing both my husband and I (Who knows who I'll marry?) with full sleeves and judging her home life falsely. Sometimes you have to play the game to get where you want. People judge harshly on appearances and often never let you prove yourself beyond what you look like.
I just love the placement; another tattoo that is easily hidden but can also be shown to the whole wide world. She has basically the locket shape & style that I have wanted. I'd rather have some leaves that are similar to those on my side piece peeking out behind it on the left and right, though. I want all the tattoos I get (ob-v not a lot) to complement each other.
I've also thought about getting a chest piece. There's about a 97% chance I would never do such a thing, but I think really classic ones are nice on girls. The thing is, though, are they nice on old ladies? No. I think I'd have it centered around a pocket watch, with banners that I might just leave blank. Who knows. The planning is in the earliest stages and will most likely never get past that.
I've also thought about getting a small piece on my other hip, like a single calla lily or iris with some leaves (again mirroring those on my side piece) or a little woodland creature (a bird or owl, not a cartoon bunny!!).
Basically, I love tattoos. I'd love to cover my body in them. Who knows, maybe I will have a little independent bakery my whole life and not worry about how I look to the corporate crowd. However, I am so traditional in many senses that a heavily tattooed body doesn't really go with that. I don't want my child's friends' parents seeing both my husband and I (Who knows who I'll marry?) with full sleeves and judging her home life falsely. Sometimes you have to play the game to get where you want. People judge harshly on appearances and often never let you prove yourself beyond what you look like.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Hermit Life Report
As much as riding my bike, baking, reading, and being outside have made me happy lately, it's been fleeting. As soon as I'm done with whatever activity I've been engaging in I feel just as empty, lonely, and dispassionate as before. I realized yesterday that right now I'm not capable of filling my own heart. I have a feeling it's going to take more than a summer to figure out how & do it.
I have a strong urge to run away or change everything in my life drastically. I want to go to Chicago and stay with Lynette until I truly enjoy being around myself. I want to paint my room all white. I want to go on a roadtrip down South for a week or two. I just want to figure out what will fill this hollow body and do it as quickly as possible.
It's only been a couple of days like this, but I always want change to happen as quickly as possible. I can't stand watching the minutes and hours and days drag on. Right now I sleep as late as possible, exhaust myself as much as possible, and try to go to bed as early as I can stand just so the days go more quickly and I don't spend a lot of time sitting and thinking. I want to get over this mountain and get on with my life. I've learned such impatience through our culture, where web pages load in less than a second and the answer to any question I have is in front of me immediately. So many inventions have made basic tasks even easier and quicker to do: instant pancake & cake mixes, multi-gear bikes, automatic cars, the list goes on. I want the difficult times to be behind me. I think I've had the hardest year of my life and it's time for this upcoming, more positive year to start.
It's really hard for me to write this, because it's really hard for me to admit that I've failed at doing something myself. Hopefully writing this down will be the catalyst for really pushing for change & filling the emptiness.
I have a strong urge to run away or change everything in my life drastically. I want to go to Chicago and stay with Lynette until I truly enjoy being around myself. I want to paint my room all white. I want to go on a roadtrip down South for a week or two. I just want to figure out what will fill this hollow body and do it as quickly as possible.
It's only been a couple of days like this, but I always want change to happen as quickly as possible. I can't stand watching the minutes and hours and days drag on. Right now I sleep as late as possible, exhaust myself as much as possible, and try to go to bed as early as I can stand just so the days go more quickly and I don't spend a lot of time sitting and thinking. I want to get over this mountain and get on with my life. I've learned such impatience through our culture, where web pages load in less than a second and the answer to any question I have is in front of me immediately. So many inventions have made basic tasks even easier and quicker to do: instant pancake & cake mixes, multi-gear bikes, automatic cars, the list goes on. I want the difficult times to be behind me. I think I've had the hardest year of my life and it's time for this upcoming, more positive year to start.
It's really hard for me to write this, because it's really hard for me to admit that I've failed at doing something myself. Hopefully writing this down will be the catalyst for really pushing for change & filling the emptiness.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Boring Dayyyyyyyyyyyy
There just isn't much to do around here. Only one book I got from the library last week is actually good and I finished it this afternoon. Sometimes I don't like the suburbs because you're expected to go to the city to have fun. And friends are spread out all over the place.
Highs of the Day:
+ Bike ride to Scoops for delicious ice cream with my dad and bro
+ Being able to get up that last big hill without much of a problem!!!
+ My National Merit Scholarship was upped from $1000 to $2000/year :D, meaning school will cost my parents less than $1000 from now on
+ Clean Laundry
+ Won my first eBay auction, a really cute Mexican embroidered dress. $16.50!! The other ones I have bid on/been watching all went/are going for for $50+
On the schedule for tomorrow:
+ Bike to Lunds for some cupcake mixin's/a job??
+ Makin' cupcakes for Megan's bday
+ Maybe a show in Uptown?
+ Early to bed for workkkkk in the morning; mmmMMmmMMmmMMmmmMmMmm money!!!
Highs of the Day:
+ Bike ride to Scoops for delicious ice cream with my dad and bro
+ Being able to get up that last big hill without much of a problem!!!
+ My National Merit Scholarship was upped from $1000 to $2000/year :D, meaning school will cost my parents less than $1000 from now on
+ Clean Laundry
+ Won my first eBay auction, a really cute Mexican embroidered dress. $16.50!! The other ones I have bid on/been watching all went/are going for for $50+
On the schedule for tomorrow:
+ Bike to Lunds for some cupcake mixin's/a job??
+ Makin' cupcakes for Megan's bday
+ Maybe a show in Uptown?
+ Early to bed for workkkkk in the morning; mmmMMmmMMmmMMmmmMmMmm money!!!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Habitat for Humanity
On a whim last night, I agreed to tag along with my mom for her volunteer day of work at Habitat for Humanity. When I woke up at 6, I was definitely regretting the decision. Now back at home and freshly showered, I'm really happy I went. The drive up to Ramsey, MN was SO LONG, and so was the way back I guess. My mom and I worked on siding all day, which is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Mostly because the people who were working the day before did all the base stuff crooked so we had to rip it out and replace it and then put our own stuff in. That led to a lot of sitting around, waiting for Chad, one of the construction leaders, to figure out what went wrong and tell us how to fix it.
I also experienced first hand how construction crews really do listen to country music all day and chew dill pickle sunflower seeds.
Gained:
- Better hammering skills
- Patience
- Beet red legs
- Freckles
- Probably weight from our terribly unhealthy catered lunch (I chose: mac&cheese, tri-color pasta pesto salad, 2 1/2 cookies, whole grain roll, diet coke; I didn't choose: ham & potato salad, chicken parmesan, brownies, lemon bars, regular soda)
Two deays ago I went out to sushi and made cookies, yesterday I went to the beach and on a bike ride, today I was outside working construction. Sounds like summer (and plenty of distractions)!
I also experienced first hand how construction crews really do listen to country music all day and chew dill pickle sunflower seeds.
Gained:
- Better hammering skills
- Patience
- Beet red legs
- Freckles
- Probably weight from our terribly unhealthy catered lunch (I chose: mac&cheese, tri-color pasta pesto salad, 2 1/2 cookies, whole grain roll, diet coke; I didn't choose: ham & potato salad, chicken parmesan, brownies, lemon bars, regular soda)
Two deays ago I went out to sushi and made cookies, yesterday I went to the beach and on a bike ride, today I was outside working construction. Sounds like summer (and plenty of distractions)!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Fast Forward
Take me to September 1st, so I can be moving into my new apartment, wherever it may be. I can be busy buying books and then going to class and working and doing homework and I just won't have time for anything else.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Best Day in a While
I was bored, so I went to Eau Claire for the afternoon/evening. It was full of:
+ Culver's chocolate malt
+ Lookin' at records
+ Lost Season 1
+ Bike ride in the pouring rain
+ 4 slices of Papa Murphy's Mediterranean pizzaaaa
+ Bucket of strawberries
+ Funfetti cupcakes (ate 5 while there :])
+ Finally finishing Fever Pitch
+ The most sugar/laughs I've had in a long, long time
Today was a shining example of what summer should be!
+ Culver's chocolate malt
+ Lookin' at records
+ Lost Season 1
+ Bike ride in the pouring rain
+ 4 slices of Papa Murphy's Mediterranean pizzaaaa
+ Bucket of strawberries
+ Funfetti cupcakes (ate 5 while there :])
+ Finally finishing Fever Pitch
+ The most sugar/laughs I've had in a long, long time
Today was a shining example of what summer should be!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Flip Flop
My weekends feel like weekdays and my Mondays feel like Fridays... I'm all turned around!! Despite working 1-2 days a week these days, I'm still saving tons of money. $1500 in my savings, $100 in my checking, $35 in my wallet, $100 in the form of a new paycheck. But I ain't gonna spend it. Who knows what kind of money I'll need next year? My parents haven't let me know how much of my rent they're going to ask me to contribute. I'll have to buy groceries (20% off at work), pay utilities, and pay my cell bill (which will hopefully be $100 a month with Sprint's unlimited everything plan and a Samsung Instinct; I'm hoping the bill reducing cancellation fees passes soon).
Plus, I think I will have to quit my cafeteria job when school starts up. I have a feeling my homework will consume my weeks. It's bad enough that I won't get to sleep in a single day of the week. I will have 2 numbers-based classes (Business Statistics & Accounting = mega bookwork), French (daily homework guaranteed), a writing-intensive lit class (papers + reading all kinds of books), and my Business Skills class (writing resumes, doing interviews, etc). Plus 2+ clubs, who knows when I'll sleep? I love my cafeteria job because of all the people there and how easy it is, but I won't make as much money working there or get as many hours in as at my grocery job. I can only pray that I'm grossly overestimating how busy I'll be next year. I want to be able to go out, cook & bake, watch TV occasionally, blog, nap, and take care of a bunny. :)
Current hobby: closing the A/C vents in my room and opening my window. :) I love the outdoors, my skin just doesn't like the sun & I like my electronics. I should invest in a hammock. Maybe that's what I can spend my money on!! To read and laptop it up while enjoying the outdoors (with plenty of SPF 45).
Plus, I think I will have to quit my cafeteria job when school starts up. I have a feeling my homework will consume my weeks. It's bad enough that I won't get to sleep in a single day of the week. I will have 2 numbers-based classes (Business Statistics & Accounting = mega bookwork), French (daily homework guaranteed), a writing-intensive lit class (papers + reading all kinds of books), and my Business Skills class (writing resumes, doing interviews, etc). Plus 2+ clubs, who knows when I'll sleep? I love my cafeteria job because of all the people there and how easy it is, but I won't make as much money working there or get as many hours in as at my grocery job. I can only pray that I'm grossly overestimating how busy I'll be next year. I want to be able to go out, cook & bake, watch TV occasionally, blog, nap, and take care of a bunny. :)
Current hobby: closing the A/C vents in my room and opening my window. :) I love the outdoors, my skin just doesn't like the sun & I like my electronics. I should invest in a hammock. Maybe that's what I can spend my money on!! To read and laptop it up while enjoying the outdoors (with plenty of SPF 45).
Friday, June 20, 2008
Family Dinner
A couple of times this week my mom has asked me to make dinner for the family. I definitely had some reservations, mostly because I don't like eating at the time my family does and she directs me to do it, not letting me choose the days. I know I lay around all day, but I'm much more likely to be productive all day to gear up to do something as consuming as making dinner. A couple of days ago I made apricot glazed chicken with asparagus and sweet potatoes, and today I made soy- and honey-glazed salmon with broccoli and peanut noodles. No one has complained about my choice of sides (only my mom and I like asparagus, sweet potatoes, and broccoli). The most surprising part is that the dinners have come out almost flawlessly and everyone has really liked what I made. Sure, I'd like to make mustard crusted salmon and a couple of other recipes, but I can save that for a dinner where it's just me and my mom or friends that will like more diverse things like that.
Making dinner all at once like this has really put things into perspective. I don't know nearly as much as I thought. I often feel overwhelmed and like everything is going to collapse all at the same time. I like baking much better, since it's just one thing I have to worry about at a time. Even though it's tough, I want to keep cooking dinner while I'm home for the summer so I can learn as much as possible while my mom is right there to answer my questions and fix my mistakes.
Possible dinner party brewing? Actually, probably not. I can see it happening once I'm away from home and near all my friends. Plus, I'm content being a hermit for now.
Making dinner all at once like this has really put things into perspective. I don't know nearly as much as I thought. I often feel overwhelmed and like everything is going to collapse all at the same time. I like baking much better, since it's just one thing I have to worry about at a time. Even though it's tough, I want to keep cooking dinner while I'm home for the summer so I can learn as much as possible while my mom is right there to answer my questions and fix my mistakes.
Possible dinner party brewing? Actually, probably not. I can see it happening once I'm away from home and near all my friends. Plus, I'm content being a hermit for now.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Absentee
It's been a while since I've blogged, but it hasn't been because I've been busy. I just haven't had much to share with the outside world. Okay, it's partially due to my acquisition of the 2nd and 3rd books in the Twilight series. But that was only for 3 days. I've also been making dinner and baking sweet treats with my mom in my usual blogging time slot. I started watching Weeds Season 3 last night. I'm currently on episode 12 of 15. The past two days have been full of running errands and biking around. I guess I have been up to more than usual.
Aaron also came to visit yesterday and the day before to hunt for apartments. Truthfully, not a lot was accomplished in that area. But things were accomplished in other areas. I've realized there is no book listing right and wrong decisions, so I've thrown out that conception in favor of playing it all by ear. I'm trying to do what makes me happiest and keeps me safe. If I mess up, that's my responsibility, but I hope to learn from those mistakes. No one around me has a perfect relationship to model mine after. Everyone has their problems that never go away. It's just a matter of assessing those problems and deciding if they're worth dealing with all the time. For adding so much uncertainty to my life, this whole mess has been a less prominent stress source than 938402840938240293840 other things that keep piling up every day.
Including my apartment situation. I knew it was too good to be true. Soon I will find out if I need to start looking for a new place. Some things and people in my life are completely dumbfounding. People make such selfish decisions every day, and I can't handle it. Sure, I can be selfish, but on the whole I am mostly looking out for those around me. I'd rather be content with their decision than raise hell getting my way. Our culture has taught us the importance of ME ME ME ME ME, but I am trying hard not to buy into it so much. This includes looking out for the environment in little ways, having others choose restaurants/make social decisions (Okay, this is somewhat due to my indecisiveness.), and letting my parents make the decision that is best for them without making a big deal about how it affects me. Sure, I am sometimes a doormat, leading to negatively internalized emotions that bubble to the surface as anxiety at least once a day. But I'm working on it. I'd rather deal with that on my own than making everyone else revolve around me. ANYWAYS, I know my living situation will work out somehow. Even if that means commuting from home/bunking with Aaron until the right place presents itself. Pray for me, I guess.
I just want something in my life to resolve itself so I don't feel so paralyzed by the weight of this stress on my shoulders.
Aaron also came to visit yesterday and the day before to hunt for apartments. Truthfully, not a lot was accomplished in that area. But things were accomplished in other areas. I've realized there is no book listing right and wrong decisions, so I've thrown out that conception in favor of playing it all by ear. I'm trying to do what makes me happiest and keeps me safe. If I mess up, that's my responsibility, but I hope to learn from those mistakes. No one around me has a perfect relationship to model mine after. Everyone has their problems that never go away. It's just a matter of assessing those problems and deciding if they're worth dealing with all the time. For adding so much uncertainty to my life, this whole mess has been a less prominent stress source than 938402840938240293840 other things that keep piling up every day.
Including my apartment situation. I knew it was too good to be true. Soon I will find out if I need to start looking for a new place. Some things and people in my life are completely dumbfounding. People make such selfish decisions every day, and I can't handle it. Sure, I can be selfish, but on the whole I am mostly looking out for those around me. I'd rather be content with their decision than raise hell getting my way. Our culture has taught us the importance of ME ME ME ME ME, but I am trying hard not to buy into it so much. This includes looking out for the environment in little ways, having others choose restaurants/make social decisions (Okay, this is somewhat due to my indecisiveness.), and letting my parents make the decision that is best for them without making a big deal about how it affects me. Sure, I am sometimes a doormat, leading to negatively internalized emotions that bubble to the surface as anxiety at least once a day. But I'm working on it. I'd rather deal with that on my own than making everyone else revolve around me. ANYWAYS, I know my living situation will work out somehow. Even if that means commuting from home/bunking with Aaron until the right place presents itself. Pray for me, I guess.
I just want something in my life to resolve itself so I don't feel so paralyzed by the weight of this stress on my shoulders.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Selfishness
Today I discovered that everyone's a part of the rat race to get a piece for themselves, and for no other reason. No one really helps out someone else unless there's some downtime and it's on the way to some other event. No boy calling me to hang out (four so far) actually cares that I am miserable now that I am alone. They just take my lack of a relationship as a cue for them to make their passes. They think they can fill that void, not even trying to help me just repair it. I don't want you. I don't want anyone. There's a reason my Myspace and Facebook profiles don't scream, "SINGLE, COME GET ME." Don't come near me if you have selfish, ulterior motives. I'm not daft. Don't ruin our friendship that is "the only thing I want from you, Yvonne" by thinking you can sneak by and make me realize you're the one for me. You're not. There's a reason I haven't picked you over anyone else in the past. I've already made up my mind about you, and you're firmly filed in the friend or acquaintance category. I already know you don't come to snuff against Aaron. He set the bar high in a lot of places, and I won't consider anyone that can't be more than him for me. He's still the only one that cares about me and the only person I talk to daily. None of you can even provide that on a friendship basis.
I'm so upset that none of you boys plotting secretly are actually focused on making me feel better. I just need friends now, and you're just making me alienate more and more people so this kind of thing doesn't happen. Every day I feel even stronger about staying in, rather than going out to socialize.
This is a warning. I can't blame myself if you don't heed it and I end up devouring you like Great White with a seal. Except you're not cute enough for bystanders to sympathize your cause
I'm so upset that none of you boys plotting secretly are actually focused on making me feel better. I just need friends now, and you're just making me alienate more and more people so this kind of thing doesn't happen. Every day I feel even stronger about staying in, rather than going out to socialize.
This is a warning. I can't blame myself if you don't heed it and I end up devouring you like Great White with a seal. Except you're not cute enough for bystanders to sympathize your cause
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I Wish I Was A Cloud
I wish the wind could just drift me away, shifting me and changing me as it pleased. I could end up on the other side of the world. I could see the ocean and all the other parts of the world and eventually rain down when I was big and heavy enough. But for now, I just want to be a wisp floating through blue skies.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
I Feel Better
And I know why. And I am ashamed.
I have also reawakened my voracity for reading. I forgot how much I crave entering that fictional world, forgetting about all my own problems and the time and anyone else in the world. I need no other friends or contact, and I only need to worry about how the protagonist will fare. It's the best because as soon as the book is over and the cover is closed, the problems there are gone and the story is over. You can start a new life right away. With the book it is definite because the characters look how you want them to and you have become good enough friends to guess how their lives will end.
Even in the movies, they don't tell you if the happy couple actually gets married, has kids, grows old, and still has the same spark as at the end credits. They lay out the characters right there for you, giving you no room for personal interpretation. A movie character cannot become your friend. Sure, you can pause a movie like you can dog-ear a page, but I just can't aptly explain the difference of the experience. And with movies, you rarely get to know what's going on in a character's head. You only have facial expressions and reactions to go off of, not the deliberations that lead to those actions. Books are rarely written with third person objective narration, and instead let you in like a most trusted confidante.
I have also reawakened my voracity for reading. I forgot how much I crave entering that fictional world, forgetting about all my own problems and the time and anyone else in the world. I need no other friends or contact, and I only need to worry about how the protagonist will fare. It's the best because as soon as the book is over and the cover is closed, the problems there are gone and the story is over. You can start a new life right away. With the book it is definite because the characters look how you want them to and you have become good enough friends to guess how their lives will end.
Even in the movies, they don't tell you if the happy couple actually gets married, has kids, grows old, and still has the same spark as at the end credits. They lay out the characters right there for you, giving you no room for personal interpretation. A movie character cannot become your friend. Sure, you can pause a movie like you can dog-ear a page, but I just can't aptly explain the difference of the experience. And with movies, you rarely get to know what's going on in a character's head. You only have facial expressions and reactions to go off of, not the deliberations that lead to those actions. Books are rarely written with third person objective narration, and instead let you in like a most trusted confidante.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Feeling Super Sick
I thought lying in bed all day was supposed to prevent this? Come keep me company please, if you're not afraid of contracting the plague.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Today I Learned
Even if I've accidentally ostracized my friends and we've all been neglecting each other, one call is all it takes to bring us all together. And to bring a banana split shake into my presence. Up until tonight I wasn't liking living in Bloomington, far away from the commotion of life. Now I couldn't be happier. I've decided to try the hermit way of life for a while, so Bloomington is now the ideal place to be. I've got Megan, Ali, Franny, Hunter, and Jordan all just a bike ride away if I ever get a little lonely. I might even ride my bike to the library tomorrow to stock up on some extra fictional friends.
Parallels
In the Sex and The City movie, Carrie and Mr. Big decide to get married. This is a big deal because Big has always been afraid of getting married again. It is the biggest problem in their relationship. Carrie took him back at the end of the TV series and the audience assumes he's overcome his fears. Come wedding day, however, he gets cold feet and all his old worries come back and he calls the whole thing off. By the time he rethinks it and realizes how stupid that idea is, Carrie's heart is already broken and it's too late. She cannot forgive him a second time for the same offense. Of course she is miserable for a while, but her friends are there to bring her out of her funk and help her move on. She slowly rebuilds her life as the lovely single gal that deserves the fame and acclaim she has. Carrie and Big run into each other a year or so later at their old apartment on the day it will be sold for good. They realize they have been foolish and cannot deny that they are meant to be together, then get married at the courthouse and live happily ever after.
In real life, that happy ending does not exist.
In real life, that happy ending does not exist.
Someone Please...
Get me a bunny so I have a constant companion. Preferably a white or grey Netherland Dwarf or Mini Lop. Don't worry about me convincing my parents to not give it to the humane society or finding a way to smuggle it in my apartment in the fall. He/She will be loved and properly taken care of. Thank you very much.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Last Night's Show
After seeing the summer tours of both Kanye West and Death Cab for Cutie, I don't really need more concerts to make my life complete. Death Cab completely blew me away. I had tons of fun watching them and most of their songs were good set list choices. And there were 5 encores :) I was disappointed they didn't play "Your New Twin-Sized Bed" or "A Lack of Color," but with a discography like theirs, you can't expect 'em all. If you live somewhere else and are reading this and Death Cab hasn't come to your town yet, get tickets!!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
No Matter What, I Can't Escape The Past
If I hold my tongue and don't talk about it, I end up dreaming about it. I don't want to deal with it anymore; I just need it all to wash away and all the doubts to recede to an old vacant lot in the back of my mind, or vacate the premises completely. I have trust, I have faith, I have love. But little snippets and clues bury all of that and bring doubt and skepticism washing back. I don't want to talk about it because I don't want it to make it a big deal every time, especially when I'm trying so hard to eradicate these feelings. I don't know what to do anymore because even my closest confidantes think I need to let it go and can't think of anything to tell me that will help.
Daily Schedule
Up at 6
Out the door by 7
Work 7:30-2:30ish
Drive home
Small lunch
Nap for 3 hours
Dinner
Foolin' around
Bed by 10ish
It's already getting old. I wasn't supposed to work tomorrow but I'm subbing. At least I'll probably be working with someone else. Driving the van today was way easier than I expected, and so was shopping alone.
Knowing Death Cab & my lover await me tomorrow evening will get me through the day.
Out the door by 7
Work 7:30-2:30ish
Drive home
Small lunch
Nap for 3 hours
Dinner
Foolin' around
Bed by 10ish
It's already getting old. I wasn't supposed to work tomorrow but I'm subbing. At least I'll probably be working with someone else. Driving the van today was way easier than I expected, and so was shopping alone.
Knowing Death Cab & my lover await me tomorrow evening will get me through the day.
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