New year,

New me? I have a feeling that I'm going to be spending a lot of my free time taking naps, reading, and catching up on Project Runway and Gossip Girl. Probably putting extra hours in @ the caf too.

I feel like I'm starting totally fresh, minus my familiar roommates that will become the foundations of my support system. I haven't figured out what my goals for the year are besides surviving. I don't know how involved I'll feel like being or anything. I don't even feel like school is starting in 2 days!

I really want to study abroad soon, maybe even next semester. I just really want to remove myself from Minnesota and experience something new on my own. Maybe I'll look into going to Ireland or the Netherlands. I can't get too out of my element! I've never wanted to study abroad for a whole semester because I'm such a homebody and could never deal with everything changing while I'm gone. But how important are things here to me anymore? The other day I thought about just staying abroad and making a life there if I like it. Maybe it would suit me better. I feel anywhere would suit me better than here. I just can't find my niche and spend a lot of my time being unhappy.

I have a whole new year ahead of me; how am I going to make it count?

It can be so hard to let go of the familiar, but it is finally time. The straw that broke the camel's back.

Spent My Last Day Home...

Laying in bed because my ulcer has gotten so bad that I can't stand up. I drank an 1/8 of a bottle of Maalox, ate 4 Tums, took some Advil & some Prilosec OTC. I hope I can get out of bed in the morning. There's so much left to do.

HAHAHA

McCain knows how to play the game... a female VP versus a black president. Hahahahahahahahahahah oh man.

Am I Ready?

I just packed up 3/4... okay maybe half of my stuff. I have a lot of stuff! I'm going to leave it at 3/4. The rest is just coming in their current drawers of residence.

I don't feel like I'm going to be moving in 3 days! Forever! Out of my home. Out on my own. I'm really happy though. I've bought some great cookbooks and excellent kitchen supplies and I have (mostly) a place for everything in my bedroom. I'm going to have our storage spaces a little. And I still need to go grocery shopping, which probably won't be done until I'm actually all moved in. I want to go shop at Wal-mart because it is so cheap compared to every other grocery store ever.

It's going to take a lot of work to get settled in but I'm not going to stop unpacking and organizing until it's all done. Seriously. Maybe a bathroom break or two. Be glad you're not helping me move in!!!

I can't believe the summer is over and the new year is starting already. I didn't get nearly enough done this summer. Not enough sundresses worn, not enough trips to the beach, not enough color to my skin1 Not enough trips, shopping, sleeping in, bike rides, walks in uptown, anything. I am always left at the end of this season wanting more.

What's a Girl to Do?

Weatherman says we could have our first frost by the end of next week. I barely wore my sundresses this year because I was either a) too poor to go out and wear them or b) too busy to go out and wear them. :[[[[ Infinite sadness. My hatred for Minnesota weather is outrageous already and it's not even winter.

New Portugal. The Man CD

I'm listening to it right now. I'm in love with it, obviously. It's a more tame Church Mouth. I'm going to be listening to this nonstop for a good long while. I suggest you check it out/download it/buy it when it comes out! I will be buying it for sure. And they are even a band that encourages downloading their music. Love 'em. Can't wait to see them in November.

Crash Boom Bang

RIP Bernadine

Got into a pretty big car accident yesterday. My airbags went off and everything. Windshield cracked. Everything was obviously messed up. My car is cashed. See that big hole? The other person's bumper was lodged in there until the tow truck guy finally dislodged it at his impound lot with extra tools. Luckily a sheriff was on the scene immediately and could dispatch a trooper and ambulance right away. The ambulance never came, but I guess I didn't really need it. I've just got scrapes and bruises and bumps on my hands and up my arms. My hands look like gargoyle hands or something. The tops are really puffy and bruised and I can't really make fists. I also can't swing my arms while walking because the blood rushes to my hands and makes it really uncomfortable.

I called my dad right away, who called my mom, who could see everything in real time. MnDOT's cameras zoom into an accident and broadcast it online, so she could see the whole after-process.

I got a ticket for "failure to drive with due caution," but I don't know how much it is yet. I guess they don't list fines on the tickets anymore. The poor other girl got a citation for driving with an expired license.

I need to call up Dr. Anne and see if she can check me out and make sure I'm okay. It just sucks that I'm going back to school next week and I won't be able to come down for appointments because I don't have a car now.

It's also a good thing that I've got school starting next week because I won't really need a car now. My dad wants me to decide right away if I want another Lincoln Mark VIII so we can keep my car for parts. I don't really have enough for a new one right now (Lowest price for one is $1800 and I only have $1300 at the moment). I think I just want my grandpa's '96 Civic. He doesn't drive very much now, so it will just be a matter of asking him if he's ready to give up independent mobility. I can wait for a little bit if he's not quite ready yet.

My dad is really pushing me to get a new car right away, but I'm not really stressing. My mom is going to drive me to work tomorrow & Saturday. I didn't have a car on campus last year anyway! I do have a job that I need to get to, but it's only 4.1 miles away from my condo. I will find a bike asap and hopefully be able to bike there until winter. Maybe find a generous friend with a car that is willing to drive me there at 7 am on weekends. :)

Obsessed...

with this webcam dealio. I figured out the solution to the common connection problem between PCs and Macs. I am sooooooooooooo smart, aka a good Googler. It's so convenient :)

Rebalanced

Even though I was running around all evening like a chicken with its head cut off, I am feeling a lot better. I ran some errands and then washed and vacuumed my car, but I think the fact that all my actions benefited myself helped. I deposited my paycheck, got $12 off my new duvet, bought a Wolfgang Puck saucepan, got a plate and fondue set at Savers, bought a webcam, and got a dessert cookbook. Not too much money spent, at least.

Tomorrow I will pack and maybe bake and read some stuff. And pay my phone bill. Maybe.

If I could do anything I wanted to this very moment, I would just hop in a car with a mute and deaf driver and watch the world go by as we drove. I would never want to stop. I don't want to look past my personal judgments, discover local gems, talk to residents, tour a landmark, anything. I just want to drive and drive until I have seen every road. No stress, no anxiety, no relationships, no cares. Nothing in my mind but what's passing before my eyes.

Drowning

I got a book about anxiety & have specific ways I've learned to deal with it, but it's been consuming my life more & more lately. I can't escape it when it hits; it can swallow me whole for an hour or more sometimes.

I also feel like I've lost a lot of vibrancy overall. Even Aaron said I looked like a wilted flower for the first few hours I was helping him move in. Maybe I'm just unhappy doing what I'm doing and not realizing it. I have fun at work, but when I leave I don't smile and I'm not interested in doing anything but working out and sleeping. I'll read a little bit but it's hard to hold my concentration. Once again I feel like I'm floating over my life as it's happening, but it's not a positive or placeholding experience anymore.

I have bursts of brightness. Helping Aaron get everything settled was nice. I liked organizing his kitchen, grocery shopping, and hanging up his clothes. I also perked up when I found the community education pamphlet. I want to do a yoga class and a cooking class, maybe multiples of each. But assembling furniture, cooking without any utensils, hanging stuff up and deciding on a floorplan were too much for me even. I like doing those things, but there were so many obstacles and handicaps (room layout, no level or hammer or measuring cup) that I didn't know how to cope. Maybe the anxiety comes from being in a pipe looking to my next day off for 6 days of the week that getting out of it is a real struggle for me. It's really hard for me to break out of a routine or think out of my fully functional box.

I don't know what to do, I guess. I have a little over a week until school starts so I'm just hoping that will break me out of my drainpipe. Until then, I'll have to make due in zombie mode. I can't handle thinking or having strong feelings or emotions right now.

New Creations

I made red velvet cupcakes the other day because I got a jar of cream cheese frosting from work for cheap the other day. I wish I had just made frosting from scratch, like I did with the cupcakes, but the whole point was to use up that jar. I added chocolate shavings and walnuts on top. They went like hotcakes at work when I brought 'em in to work.




I also just made Special K bars for Aaron's housewarming present. (He moves back today!) They're a little dry, but that could just be because they were super cold. I bet once they thaw a little, they'll be nice and gooey.

I want to try making a turtle cupcake next, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it. I'll have to experiment.

My brother made some treats yesterday, too! He loves the Philly Ready-to-Eat Cheesecake Filling, so my mom showed him how to make mini cheesecakes. Graham cracker crust in the bottom of cupcake cups, fill it up with cheesecake stuff, drizzle with what you please! They're actually not bad. Not as good as real cheesecake, but a nice little treat that's perfectly manageable for Kenny to make.

Harumph

So my parents were only supposed to have to pay $1000 total for my tuition this year, but with the various made up fees the U imposes, it will be around $1800. That just means I'll be responsible for paying more of my rent. $550 University Fee? $475 Undergrad Carlson Student Service Fee? $336 Student Services Fee? All in one semester? What a rip-off. I don't even know what that money is going towards! I hate how expensive the U of M is compared to other state universities around the country. I know it's a tough school to get into and it's in the Big 10, but really. Come on. And Carlson just loves charging students extra money. You'd think they have enough corporate sponsors for tuition to be free.

Bruise Count

Up to 31 now hahahahahha

Frenzy

I used to be so scared of buying anything online, but now it's almost exclusively how I get things! Well, not really. But kind of. I just need to put that extra effort into finding deals online so it's worth not paying twice as much at the store for.

For example, I just bought a yoga dvd at Target. The yoga blocks there were way too expensive, but since I've been powershopping for school books online tonight, I thought, why not check? Definitely better deals.


My spending has been out of controlllll lately. Like, $1000 in a week and a half. But it's all essentials for my apartment/school. And now all I need are my first groceries and school supplies and a dutch oven and a medium saucepan. At least my parents have promised to chip in a little for books and the supplies? I'll figure out what bathroom & closet organizing goods I need when I move in. Livin' ain't cheap. Well, living organized & prepared ain't cheap. I hope my roommates are up for paying for most of the cleaning supplies since I've furnished our entire kitchen for the most part.

Location, Location, Location

I wish I lived in a place where music label internships were more feasible. I know there's Universal around here, but that's about it. I'd much rather work with a smaller indie-ish label and see if I like that side of the music industry. I wanted to run a label or do A&R or manage bands for so long, but I've kind of let that dream go. Maybe I just need to shift it to apply to the music I listen to now vs. my FBR days.

On a similar note, I might try to turn my job at Gopher Grocery into an internship for credit at Carlson. I work directly under an entrepreneur so it makes perfect sense and really is an excellent opportunity to capitalize on. I'm really bad at follow-through though, so maybe if I tell enough people I'll be motivated enough.

AbeBooks.com

Best place for used books I've ever seen. Just found a rare book I need for my 3rd World Literature Class that's been going for $12 for a singular dollar. I owe the tip to Michael @ work. He knows his stuff. I'm too lazy to return all the books I got from the U of M bookstore and Oak Street to see if I can find them all even cheaper, but I might change my mind. Checkkk it out.

Buy Me These

& about a thousand other things.

& move me into my apartment asap.

& give me a massage.

Clumsy

Currently:

- 18 bruises on my legs
- 3 bruises in other places
- 5 scrapes on my legs
- Paper cut & splinter on one pinky
- Stubbed toe
- Dirt everywhere!!

I'm always scraping myself with a bin or hitting my leg on a cooler at work. Maybe it's a growth spurt? It just completes my geek profile.

Stress & Anxiety

I've been so worried about working out the details for moving in and stressed about fitting everything in. I'm taking on more responsibility at work, which means telling other people what to do, which really stresses me out. I hate confrontation and even minorly upsetting others. I'm working on it.

I'm also worried about Aaron's situation, even though I really don't need to be. I just have a knack for taking on the worries of others.

Anyway, all this stress has started to affect me physically. I haven't eaten a single meal in the past week and a half that hasn't made me feel ill later. Today I cut out all wheat, dairy, and soy to see if those were the culprits. Negative, unfortunately. I ate celery and carrots and eggs today and felt almost worse than after I ate a Blizzard yesterday. My parents think I might have an ulcer from all the stress, and I'm worried I do.

Stressing over how sick I've felt just makes it worse, obviously. It's a Catch-22. I always stress when I don't really have much control over a situation. I can't help that I stress out about stuff! I've worked on dealing with the overwhelming anxiety that I feel sometimes, but my stress about future things that can't be altered or acted upon right away is hard to eradicate.

Currently I'm drinking some chamomile tea, and tomorrow I'll be picking up the Anxiety & Phobia Workbook from the library. I'm doing as much as I can, I guess!

Inspiration for Yu Gi Oh Characters:

China & Japan's male gymnasts.

Money Money Money

$385 spent on housewares so far, about $200 to go (including starting groceries). Just dropped $340 on books for ONE semester. It makes me sick to spend so much money all at once. Cancers are notoriously stingy, and I am a textbook Crab. I have a huge headache from trying to decode the crazy textbook abbreviations and editions and packages, plus deciding which websites had the best price on each book. I would have spent about $550 if I had bought everything new. What a crock.

At least I'll make up about 2/3 of what I've spent by working the next two weeks as much as possible. I got a $1 raise so I'm making $11 an hour now. That will help a little, although so much of it will be taken away through taxes. I hate money.

Where My Obnoxiously Long Email Address Comes From

who knows if the moon's
a balloon, coming out of a keen city
in the sky--filled with pretty people?
(and if you and i should

get into it, if they
should take me and take you into their balloon,
why then
we'd go up higher with all the pretty people

than houses and steeples and clouds:
go sailing
away and away sailing into a keen
city which nobody's ever visited, where

always
it's
Spring) and everyone's
in love and flowers pick themselves

"The primary desire of the Protector ISFJ is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life, as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security."

-www.Keirsey.com

Going For The Gold

I was really excited for the Olympics for so long, then kind of dropped the ball by not catching the opening ceremonies. I thought maybe I had just gotten caught up in the hype and didn't care enough after all. However, after tuning in from 5 to 11 last night, I am hooked. I love beach volleyball & swimming & gymnastics - both men's and women's. I forgot how thrilling and suspenseful and competitive the games are! I'm bummed I missed the US v China basketball game because I was at work.

I love the Olympics! I'm jealous of these people that have freakish athletic skills while I can barely walk anywhere without tripping over something.

The Goods Pt. 2

Acquired @ Ikea today:

- Bed skirt
- Mesh curtain for closet
- 79" curtain rod
- Chandelier
- Floor lamp with reading lamp
- Lightbulbs
- 100 tea lights
- 24 tea light holders
- LACK bookshelf (white)
- Trash can
- 3 shelf letter organizer
- 18 piece dish set
- 2 bowls
- Bookends
- Cute lil' fake flower sprig
- 6 shelf hanging closet organizer

Almost worth all I spent.... Dang it. Maybe I'll return some stuff if I come to my senses.

The Goods

Kitchen Supplies Acquired Today:

Baking:
- 3-pack 9x13, 8x11, and 6x9 glass baking dishes
- Airbake cookie sheet
- 2 muffin tins
- 3 tier wire cooling rack
- 3 pie tins (via Mom)
- 2 8" cake pans (via Mom)
- Bundt ring (via Mom)
- Standing mixer (via Mom)
- Splatter screen (via Mom)

Cooking:
- 12" deep skillet
- 10" skillet (robin's egg blue)
- 8" skillet (via Mom)
- Griddle (via Mom)

Gadgets:
- Silicone whisk (red)
- Mini Santoku knife (orange)
- 8" bread knife
- 8" chef's knife
- small paring knives (via Mom)
- Measuring cups (yellow)
- Silicone spatula with bamboo handle (yellow)
- 5 piece bamboo tool set
- Meat thermometer
- Ice cream scoop (orange)
- Frosting spatula (via Mom)
- 4 piece poly spoon set
- 2 silicone turners

Tableware:
- 4 cobalt side plates
- 4 cobalt bowls
- Cobalt pattern side plate
- Yellow and blue side plate
- Black and white scroll dinner plate
- 2 yellow petal bowls

Other:
- 4 piece canister set (via Mom)
- 3 plastic scoops for canister set (via Mom)
- small cutting board (green)
- Medium nonslip cutting board
- Large cutting board (blue)

= Kitchen geek. At least I spent less than $200. Still gotta get some saucepans & hit up Ikea and Storables for bedroom stuff :) I can't wait to do wedding registry when I'm engaged.

!!!!

I was just complaining to Aaron earlier about how none of my favorite bands come here, only to check Pollstar just now and see that Minus The Bear is coming October 15th and Portugal. The Man is playing November 9th, both at the Varsity. I don't work either day at either job, and it's going to be so easy for me to get there. I think I might have peed a little when I found out. Not really, of course. All I need is for As Tall As Lions to announce a date.

Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."
14. I have the right to say "I don't know."
15. I have the right not to make excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.

Matt Pryor & Chris Conley

I barely blog anymore! I just don't have the time I used to have anymore. Yes, a lot of my free time is spent taking naps, but I need those naps. Work exhausts me, especially after not getting enough sleep every night.

I was lucky enough to get a visit from Aaron for a day and a half :) We shopped for his bed frame and linens at Ikea, played Wii, watched Elizabethtown & Dexter, went to Chipotle of course, and went to Chris Conley & Matt Pryor at the Triple Rock last night.

It was a beyond magical. Chris' voice was stellar. I wished I had my iRiver last night because it has a voice recorder and I would have loved to capture the whole set. I couldn't stop smiling; that's when I know I'm enjoying every second of a performance. I rarely show emotion or get excited during a show, but that performance was a top 5, if not 3, for me. Matt Pryor came out on fire, singing to his fullest potential. His voice has smoothed out so much since the first Get Up Kids recordings, and I can tolerate/actually like it now. Since it was the first show of the tour, the crowd got to decide the atmosphere. People were shouting out requests and the two of them were only happy to oblige (when they could remember how the old songs went!). Pryor encored with "I'll Catch You" and I got a little choked up since that song has so much meaning for me and I wasn't expecting it at all. Conley & Pryor played "Imagine" together at the end of the show and everyone loved it, including them. I wouldn't have gone to the show on my own, but I am so happy I went.

crAAAzy

Tomorrow is my 13th and last day of work in a row!! As a reward, I'm going to buy these banana split oreos I've been drooling over for the past 2 weeks :) I can't wait for Monday, my day off. I'm going to stay up late Sunday night, then sleep in as late as I want. I'm going to play Wii, make some sort of dessert, read, and watch Dexter. Probably do some working out, too, since I've been too busy lately to do any skiing or aerobics.

I gave in and bought Breaking Dawn today when I was shopping at Wal-Mart. I'm a third of the way through and I've been reading on and off for half the day. Shit's intense. It bums me out that this is the last book of the series, but series always have to end. I can't wait for the movie, though.

I went to the best baseball game of all time on Thursday with Aaron and his brother Andrew and Andrew's friend Matt. Twins vs White Sox. So many big plays were made, so many intense fans, so much drama! Aaron and I wore our matching hats and Mauer tees. I think we'll do the Flex 40 ticket package next season so we can catch a lot of games over the summer. I really like baseball now :) I listen to KFAN every weekday when John & I drive to and from Shakopee for work. I enjoy learning about something I know so little about. I'm becoming an expert on this Brett Favre drama. I will spit on him if he joins the Vikings, just putting it out there. I hate him.

I went to my condo tonight for a mini roommate meeting, and also to see the almost-finished project and measure my room so I can plan stuff out. It looks fantastic! I'm super excited again to live there. I just wish we could move in early so it wouldn't be so hectic trying to get everything settled the day before classes start. A lot of people are in my boat, though, unfortunately.

Anyway, time to shower and spend the rest of my short evening reading more of Breaking Dawn. I can only hope the book doesn't get more intense so I'm not up until 4 am soaking it all in.